Desperate Times Call For Desperate Measures

Was replying to a string of messages on facebook this morning, and a bunch of us - in anticipation of our cruise in February got reminiscing about last year's cruise.

Last year we laughed so hard for the week, that we wished we had brought a supply of depends with us - lol. Well... got joking around about stocking up on them this year and it brought to mind another unfortunately all-too-true story that I wrote about a few years back.

Some of you have heard this, so it will not surprise you... others... well... Just be warned that the following glimpse into my life is not a pretty one ;o)

(It's a long story - but begs to be told - lol)

*************************************
Desperate Times Call For Desperate Measures

So there are some rumours going around about me...
and I feel it necessary to clarify this scandalous matter and while I know that restoring any sense of dignity is now impossible... at least the facts deserve to be told first hand.

I am embarrassed to say that the following tale is true.

And while I prefer to imagine myself as having been resourceful under such dire circumstances, those that hear the story often shake their heads in disbelief.

I choose now to share my experience openly so that I may defend my honour and perhaps solicit some sympathy and understanding. And I hold firm to the belief that any other person under the same situation would resort to the same drastic measures...

The night in question was 11 years ago...

Life was wonderful!!!
I was thoroughly enjoying being a new mom...
I had a beautiful, blond-hair, blue-eyed baby girl... a loving husband... a quaint little house in a quiet little town... things could not have been any more perfect.

UNTIL that one dreadful weekend.

My sister Sharron was taking a group of junior high students from the church camping for the weekend. She was in desperate need of an additional adult who was crazy enough to go into the wilderness with a bunch of pre-teens (ok... so maybe it was more of a campground in a provincial park - but any activity that involves being left in charge of 15 pre-teens miles away from their parents and civilization is fraught with more peril than a wild and untamed wilderness!!!)

Even knowing the utter insanity of such a weekend adventure, I willingly agreed to help my sister... being the caring soul that I am :o).
After all, I had been raised camping and hiking since I was a babe in arms so how hard could it be to bring my own little one along. If my mom had done it, well so could I.

I felt invincible.

So when the time came, I packed up my tent, sleeping bag, a bassinet for my little girl and enough baby supplies to last me a year. I kissed my hubby goodbye and bravely headed out with a car full of screaming, giggling, hyped-up 12 year olds.

THAT was mistake number one!!!

In hindsight, I should have just stayed home in my nice little home with my nice little family - all warm and happy and safe from the terrible fate that would befall me that very night.

But naively I felt that since I had endured 13 hours of labour, I could handle anything.
I AM WOMAN!!! HEAR ME ROAR!!!

Well, we arrived safely at the campground, and though I was now deaf in one ear from the noise of the passengers in my vehicle and there was something gooey stuck in the back of my hair that felt remarkably like someone's chewing gum (although everyone vehemently denied any connection with said gum)... the trip had been remarkably uneventful.

So as I climbed out of the van, I patted myself on the back for having survived the car ride without strangling a single one of my passengers or throwing them out of the vehicle all together. (Although I confess those thoughts may have run through my mind a time or two when the decibel level reached glass shattering proportions!)

The first task upon arrival was to set up camp.

So, being the SHE-WOMAN that I was, I managed to juggle my baby girl on my hip, unpack the van and help instruct the novice campers on the art and science of pitching a tent.

When all the tents were being set up at various points of the campsite, I turned to the task of erecting my own sleeping quarters.

Well, being the all-knowing (and highly experienced) mother that I was, I decided that it would be best if I pitched my tent apart from the others. It seemed like a wise decision at the time.
Figuring the kids would stay up and talk well in to the night and knowing I had an infant who would need proper sleep, I figured the ideal place for our tent would be the opposite side of the campsite.

THAT was mistake number two!!!

After the first hour of mass confusion, tents were finally all set up and we were gathering around the campfire as the sun set in the sky.

As my sister told stories and the kids sang songs around the campfire, I snuggled my wee girl on my lap and sat mesmerized by the dancing flames before me.
The sparks from the fire drifted merrily up to disappear into the darkening night.
The stars were beginning to blink their tiny lights throughout the cloudless sky.
And I could see little forest creatures scurrying home to their nests for the night.
It was picture perfect, and we were all blissfully unaware of the horrific deed that would occur in that very forest.

The evening wore on and the fire died low, so we all climbed into our tents and settled for the night.
I tucked my little girl into her bassinet in our tent, kissed her goodnight and laid down in my own sleeping bag beside her.

As I lay there listening to the sounds of the night creatures stirring and breathed in the fresh air, I was feeling quite pleased with myself and rather smug. After all, I had conquered nature and survived a hoard of highly excitable pre-adolescents all with my wee baby in tow.

I WAS WONDER WOMAN....
MEGA MOM....
INDESTRUCTIBLE!!!

And I drifted off to sleep with my dreams of grandeur playing in my head.

Well, as they say, "Pride goes before the fall". And I was about to come crashing to the earth with more force than a meteor shower.

Some time in the dark recesses of the night I was awakened by this overwhelming pressure in my stomach.

It seemed that I had been so caught up in my ego stroking fantasy world that I had neglected to avail myself of the camp facilities before retiring for the night.

And now I was in a real predicament!!!

My baby was fast asleep.
The restrooms were a 5 minute walk away.
The other tents were too far for one of them to hear should the baby wake while I was gone.
And I refused to leave her alone in the tent as easy prey for whatever hungry beast was lurking in the dark woods.

Not only had I not conquered mother nature as I had so naively thought...
but she had given me a swift kick to the pants with a "HA HA... take that girl!!!"
I could hear her taunting me as my eyes teared up from the pressure in my bladder.

I was getting frantic.

I briefly considered relieving myself in the trees just outside the tent.
But the thought that one of the other kids might wake and see me squatting like a dog in the forest was enough of a deterrent.
That and the hoards of mosquitoes that I could hear swarming outside the tent put a nix on that idea all together. There was no way in the universe that I was going to drop my drawers out there and give those blood thirsty little demons that kind of target!!!

So I was trapped!!! And I was desperate!!!

It was then, like a lifeline thrown to a drowning man, that I saw my salvation!!!

There, in the corner of the tent, was my daughter's package of Pampers Baby-Dry diapers.

I was in agonizing pain and nearly bursting as I staggered across the tent and ripped open the package, grasping frantically for relief.

And such sweet relief I have never before or since experienced.

I crawled back to my bed, thanking the Good Lord for preserving my dignity and vowing that none should ever hear of my humbling experience. (A vow that I should have kept to my grave!!!)

But as I lay there, I was in awe at the holding capacity of the Pampers diapers. I had literally put all those commercials to the test and I came away thoroughly impressed.

The next morning, I was still so much in wonder of their "patented technology" that I decided to discreetly share my discovery with my sister.

THAT was mistake number three!!!

It wasn't long before my entire family knew of my traumatic tale.
And do you think that my loving family looked upon me with concern and compassion for the dire straights that I had been in?

NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

They choose to recount my unfortunate episode at every family gathering.

And to add more heaping coals of humiliation onto my already much tarnished reputation, my dirty little secret has been made public by none other than my loving husband and my baby sister Jo.

For some unknown reason, they felt it necessary to enlighten the teens which I now work with, who until such time must have held me in some measure of esteem, but now must only look upon me as a strange abhorration of nature.

So I have laid bare this tragic affair at your feet and now beg for your pity, your sympathy, your understanding, or any small measure of compassion which you might be inclined to bestow upon me.

And in closing, if I may humbly offer some advice...

Should you find yourself stuck in the wilderness, forced to resort to such drastic measures, I beg of you...TELL NO ONE!!!!