Some Hurts Never Heal (Part 1)

Today it has become painfully obvious - yet again - that some wounds never really go away.

Emotional wounds can be just like physical ones... scar tissue may form, or a broken bone may knit together again, but a rainy day or cold weather can bring the old ache right to the surface again.

In dealing with an issue with my daughter today, the subject of adoption came up in reference to her cousin. But as we were talking through the problem, my mind kept drifting off to a place I wish I could seal up forever to close off the pain.

You see... I have three children.

Two that are of my flesh and blood and are the shining gems that brighten each day of my life.

And then there is the child of my heart, my chosen one, whom I have lost.

It's been just over two years since she left our family and was adopted to another, but when thoughts of her surface, the pain is still as razor sharp as the day she left.

The helplessness that I felt then still haunts me.

Thoughts, questions and doubts torture and plague my mind.

Is she happy? Is she healthy? Will she have any recollection of me?

Will she know that though she did not come from my body that I love her as fiercely and intensely as my own?

I just can't wrap my head around the injustice, and my heart won't find peace.

How is it in any way right that the colour of one's skin is the determining factor in deciding parenthood?

I was the only mother she knew, and she was given more love than is possible to comprehend.

Yet she was taken from me.

God - I still miss her so much - it's like a knife that twists in my stomach whenever I think of her.

She'll be turning 4 soon.

Is she still a funny little imp with a mischevious glint in her eye and a contagious laugh?

Does she still squeeze all the toothpaste out, or drag toilet paper all over the place and say "Uh-oh mommy" with a purely innocent look on her face when she is discovered?

The hurt is tangible.

But while the wound may never may fully heal, I've discovered while writing this - that in spite of the multitude of tears that have fallen down my face this evening, simply by talking through it... putting it in print to share... the pain has ebbed to a dull throb.

And maybe that's the secret. Just let it out.

In closing off this blog, I will leave you with a poem written shortly after my wee Shailynn left us as it captures my heartfelt feelings more adequately than my blubberings here tonight.

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MY FAIR CHILD

(September 2006 - Jennifer Birnie)

Oh my fair child
my love
where have you gone?

The emptiness you have left suffocates me
The silence without your sweet voice is a deafening noise my ears cannot bear
Each passing day is as a lifetime without you

My mind plays cruel tricks on my heart
I catch a glimpse of the brightness of your smile…
yet when I look, it is merely the sun glistening through my window

I hear your laughter across the field…
yet when I run to find you, it is only the song of the wind that I hear

I wake at night to the sound of your crying, only to find it’s the night owl that calls

my heart weeps for you
my arms ache for you
my very soul is broken in the absence of you

the sparkle of your eyes
the mischief in your laughter
the warmth of your arms wrapped around me
these are forever imprinted in the very core of my being

Though breath still comes from my body
Though I still laugh
love
live
That part of my heart which you captured and claimed as your own
That part departed with you my cherished one
never to return
for it is yours and yours alone

And so I weep

I weep out of happiness at the moments
the memories
that laughter that we shared

I weep out of sadness at the moments
the memories
the laughter that I will miss sharing with you

I weep out of hope that time will be kind and once again bring us moments
memories
laughter that will be ours to share once more

Until then, my treasured child

I will lift my face to the sun and soak in the warmth of your smile

I will embrace the wind as it dances through my hair and feel your laughter soothe the ache inside

And I will cry with the owl in the depths of the night and pray that each tear shed from my heart will be one less to fall from yours

And ever
my fair child
I will love